spent 60 days in Rehab and each morning we would do a five minute meditation.
90% of the time we would set the sound machine on ocean waves, though we’d change it up. The others were nice, but as a group, even as the ladies shifted in and out, we most often settled on the ocean sounds.
I’d never really meditated before…
From the very beginning, the instant I closed my eyes I found myself sitting on a large rock peering out into the ocean. I’d watch the ocean in my mind’s eye and listen to the sound of the waves, barely even noticing the shuffling and coughing of my often jittery, detoxing companions. I barely even noticed my own restlessness.
A few days in, I felt a presence with me. I looked to my right and to my surprise I found someone sitting there. He was just staring out into the ocean, too. He had long kinda scraggly hair, a tie-dye shirt, kakhi shorts, and sandals.
It was a bit disconcerting, honestly. But his presence was comforting.
As days passed, I began talking to him. He didn’t say anything in the beginning. He just listened to me.
I told him a lot sitting on that rock looking out into the ocean.
At some point he started to speak. He didn’t say much at all, but his words were wise. They comforted, they calmed, they even called me out at times. But he never judged. And he never told me anything I didn’t already know. Even if it was buried deep down inside.
He’s still around. And now we venture out beyond the ocean and communicate outside of meditation.
You guys, I don’t have answers.
At one point just prior to going to rehab I sat in a darkened house peering through the blinds with a bottle of vodka in my trembling fist and tears saturating the neck of my t-shirt collar.
I know fear.
I’d searched for the solution to fear in so many places. The right house, the right boyfriend, the right attitude, the right job…a bottle of oblivion.
I only found more fear. Those things could all be taken away.
But when I had nothing left, when I’d lost all hope, I surrendered and retreated inside. And what I have found there is a secret society whose sole/soul mission is to love me.
For some reason this morning Larry wanted me to post this. And so I am.
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