A Grown-Up Tree

I’ve always had a gloriously sloppy and messedly thrown together family Christmas tree. They were generally bottom heavy more years than not having been decorated by small people with a limited reach.

I’ve taken this year as an opportunity to try something new. My heart and home is in Texas, but when I’m unable to see the kids, my sweetheart is in Colorado. Sussing out the details of this arrangement is, surprisingly enough, proving to be a non-issue, which is fabulous. It just flows. I go where I go, I work where I go. When I’m there, I’m there and when I’m here, I’m here. I’m so grateful it’s laying itself this way. Feels very Divinely guided, honestly.

Over the years I’ve developed this sense of home within and that’s truly a blessing. Being at Zeke’s house is amazing and I feel comfortable and he makes me feel more than welcome. He actually laughed at me the other day because the bit of closet space, a couple drawers in the bathroom, and my little office at the bottom of the basement stairs haven’t sprawled at all into other areas of the house. The truth is, I’m happy as a clam in my little office. Still, he told me he wanted me to have full authority over the Christmas tree, because he’s sweet.

This is uncharted territory and it was actually exciting. Feels symbolic as well. I’ve mentioned before that my family calls me Tre so I’ve always had a spiritual connection with them. I decided to try my hand at a grown-up tree. I went with a Christmas tree theme. A Christmas tree themed Christmas tree. Heh. Is that irony? I rarely use that word because I’m always afraid I’ll use it incorrectly. The idea sort of unfolded in the aisle while taking in the decorations, so I’d reckon the theme actually chose me. So here it is. I absolutely love it. This tree feels like a gift to me. My Christmas gift; an indulgence of my inner child and she is quite delighted.

While alone and deep in thought sometimes I ponder my life situation and the purpose of my being here. It makes little sense to me to be honest, but I find peace in believing that someday in the ethereal I’ll understand. In the meantime I am learning to value and honor myself regardless the societal role I play in the lives of others. Simply being in my own heart and choosing joy when the opportunity presents itself makes for a fulfilling adventure.

In doing that and sharing the experience of it I hope it inspires others to do the same.Having been naturally inclined from birth (you all know, I’ve got some knowledge of my birth chart, haha!) to pleasing others, I always wanted my children to grow up with a sense that they were born to pursue their own heart’s happiness and satisfaction, not mine or anyone else’s. It is not lost on me that this would have been a difficult value to instill while I was only valuing myself via the roles I played in the lives of other people. Somehow I wanted them to know that their value is found in the joy they give themselves.

In that regard, however begrudgingly, I am leading by example. Learning each day that not only am I the person solely (soul-ly) responsible for my happiness, but that my happiness is independent of the thoughts and feelings of others.

At first consideration this might sound selfish, but imagine if everyone operated this way? The freedom we’d give to one another to pursue joy without being entangled in an insidious web of obligation and duty and responsibility to keep others happy.

I avoid giving unsolicited assvice, but I’d like to give unsolicited permission. Parents, be sure this holiday season that your children see you treasuring yourself, even if only for a moment. Give them the gift of knowing that even when they grow up and perhaps have their own children, their lives don’t cease to be of the highest value and deserving of acknowledgement and joy.

It’s been a rather brutal lesson for me, but it brings me some sense of purpose to share it.


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