*I have to preface this…I tried not to, I really did! Just to be funny like that, but honestly, without a preface you probably wouldn’t have read the whole post anyway, and frankly I wouldn’t fault you for that one bit. There’s a reason. So I’ll just say, half of the following paragraphs, the half immediately following this preface, are written to make a point. The point will become clear in the remaining half. So bear with me, if you would, because I believe the point being made is a valuable one.
Ugh…how’s it going? I’ll tell you how it’s going!
My car broke down. Not only did it break down, it made the ugliest noise I’ve ever heard a car make in my entire life. Like elves were under the hood angrily throwing giant size cutlery at metal walls. The tow truck driver, who knows a little something about cars, said it sounds like the engine. The ENGINE! I called EVERYWHERE and mechanic shops are so backed up and short-staffed, most didn’t answer and the ones that did refused to take it.
We had it towed back to the house.
I can’t believe it’s the engine! We just bought it in June. Used, but still. JUNE! I had the oil changed two and a half weeks ago but apparently it ran out of oil.
Now I’m anxious my kids will need me to go to Texas for something. I’ve always told them all they have to do is call and I’ll be home in 24 hours. That’s my thing, dude. “I can be back in Texas at the drop of a hat if you guys need me! Just say the word.”
It’s the holidays, anything could come up!
Speaking of the kids, I haven’t talked to them in almost two weeks. They went out of town for Thanksgiving I’m pretty sure, but I didn’t even get a call on Thanksgiving so I have no idea.
Every time this happens and I don’t hear from them I’m afraid they’re mad at me. I scour my brain for anything I might have done that could have upset them until my brain is raw and throbbing. I’m back in Colorado to spend some time with Zeke and a part of me just wants to run to Texas. Like I could do anything differently there…
It doesn’t even matter because I can’t anyway. Damn car.
And then there’s Zeke. I barely got to see him for two and a half months because I was in Texas going to high school football games. Most of the time I was only able to wave to Cora Jane in the sea of marching band kids and a couple of times I took pictures so she knew I was there because the band was too far away for me to even find her. I drove three-and-a-half hours to Laredo, Texas for one game, damn near the Mexico border, and all I could do was wave. A seven hour round trip!
Sometimes Keenan showed up, but I never knew beforehand.
Work? Ugh, work. I’ve been doing the Tarot and Astrology gig for almost a year and a half now and I’m barely making ends meet. I wake up at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning and read and study and obsess over it all. I’m always doing something for what seems like longer than an eight hour work day and yet my bank account is regularly at about $50.
I never know if I’ll be in Texas or Colorado on a weekly basis. It’s like, my schedule changes daily. My fucking head spins!
My wardrobe is 90% hand-me-downs and I spend all of my money on plane tickets and gas. I realized my dumbass left all of my winter coats in Texas. How did I let that happen?
When I’m in Texas I worry sometimes that Zeke will get sick of all this and no matter where I am I wonder sometimes if my kids will end up hating me and maybe I should probably just give up now, get a bunch of cats, and grow old alone.
And then I remember Zeke cat-napped my cat. I got Alfredo because *I* got lonely! But he hates the car so he stays with Zeke.
That was actually difficult to write. It was an answer to the question, and an honest one at that, but it’s not how I look at things. I had to stop and scrunch my face and laugh a bit at some awesome memories that came up while I wrote it. I even threw my head back and laughed so loud I scared the cat (who still loves me the most, don’t tell Zeke) when I remembered driving to Laredo, Texas and looking up to see a sign that said something like, TURN LEFT HERE TO STAY IN LAREDO, TEXAS BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP GOING STRAIGHT YOU’RE GONNA BE IN MEXICO YOU ABSENTMINDED MOTHERFUCKER!
Anyway, I’m going to answer the question all for-real-like now.
“How’s it going, Zube?”
I’ll tell you how it’s going. It’s like this…I drove 931 fucking miles two weeks ago from my apartment in Texas to Zeke’s house in Colorado and my car broke down after I arrived THREE MILES from Zeke’s while I was out running errands. What are the odds? He was working but showed up after a few minutes AND he didn’t yell or get mad. He told jokes while we waited for the tow truck driver to show up. Inappropriate ones, of course.
Fortunately we have AAA and the tow truck driver, Wesley, was super cool. Zeke turned the car on so they could give it a listen and it sounds like shit. Shit squared even. Wesley said it’s probably the engine. Specifically the lower block but when he started talking like that my eyes glazed over a bit. Lower block, upper block…it’s no matter to me what block people come from, guess that translates to noises from engines as well. Anyway, there was no oil on the dipstick which is effing weird because I just changed the oil (before it was even due!) the day before I headed up. Meh. What are ya gonna do though?
Can you IMAGINE if that had happened in Amarillo or something?! Seven hours away from Boerne and Breckenridge! How freaking lucky am I it broke down in Breck after a fourteen hour drive and so close to home? Crazy.
I’m a little nervous the kids might need me to come home because that’s my big thing. It’s why I live my life the way I do with work and everything. I might be here in Colorado but if they need anything I’ll drop every last bit of it and head there. I tease Zeke about that because he was the same way with his girls who lived in Denver growing up. I’m like, I do that and mine are in Texas! Neener! Anyway, if I need to get down there, we’ll figure it out. Doesn’t help to worry about it.
I posted on a local Facebook board asking for mechanic recommendations and mentioned needing to get on the road by latest Christmas. I also mentioned I was aware of staffing shortages and completely understand things might take a bit. Not only did I get a ton of recommendations, a shop actually messaged me before I even had to reach out! At 8PM two days before Thanksgiving.
It’s gonna get fixed this week. For a pretty penny, it’s the engine after all. But it’ll be abundance flowing to local business owners and their families. Good people.
Work is wild. It’s scary and weird and frantic and inconsistent…I wake up at stupid-early-thirty in the morning for no good reason. I think God does it. It’s fine by me because the world feels so quiet and full of potential and I get a lot of shit done in the wee hours. I relish my alone time and chat with my invisible people and sort shit out, all before dawn.
I absolutely LOVE what I’m doing and I’ve only been at it for a year and a half and things are tight but it’s like, they always work out! Somehow all of the bills get paid and money comes and goes and I travel back and forth and I’m innovative as shit and I don’t actually need much and everything just happens when I don’t think about it too much. I always manage to have about $50 in the bank.
I get in my head sometimes but that seems like a pretty human thing to do. Fairly quickly I’m able to step back and freshen my perspective.
I was kinda stressed when I didn’t hear from the kids for almost two weeks. I don’t really like where my mind goes when I don’t hear from them. I’m supposed to talk to them three times a week but if people are gonna ignore court orders then they’re probably also just gonna ignore court orders that say to follow court orders. And for a hefty sum to boot because lawyers don’t take arms or legs for payment. I know, I’ve asked.
It is what it is. But I meditated and prayed and did some visualizations where I hugged the kids and told them I think they’re rock stars and I love them and they’re free to be who they are and I’m gonna take such good care of myself they don’t ever have to worry about me. Visualizing doesn’t hold a candle to actually being with them but it’s meaningful to me and I always feel better after.
We spent Thanksgiving with Zeke’s girls and had a super time and made turkey and went out to eat and went for a hike. They live in California and Washington and are in their twenties and it’s just really fun to liven things up around here where we’re kinda old and farty.
I borrowed one of their winter coats.
I talked to my kiddos last night. Maybe that had something to do with sending a message that I planned on calling the school today to make sure everyone is okay if I didn’t hear from them last night since it had been so long. I wasn’t screechy about it or anything, totally matter of fact. Whatever it was, they called, happy and full of stories. They’re still amazing, unsurprisingly. Rocks stars even. Rock stars who are free to be who they are.
I’m only supposed to see them four times a year but I manage to eek out bonus sightings. This is exactly the reason I leapt off the entrepreneurial cliff; so I could be my own boss. I drove all over southern Texas the past few months. It was beautiful to watch Cora Jane with her friends in band; the way she wears her hair all wacky and messy like on the tippy top of her head, dancing to Sweet Caroline. I barely got to interact with her, but it didn’t matter. She’s a joy to watch.
I also learned that it’s really hard to pick out your band kid while they’re doing their routine out on the football field and to forego guilt over that and simply enjoy absorbing the show in its entirety. Marching band is hella impressive, dude. Those kids work hard and without much individual recognition.
Once in a while Keenan showed up at the games and we’d get to sit together for a bit. We’d buy candy and he’d help me find his sister. We’d look for Jupiter and Saturn in the night sky. Always Jupiter first with Saturn nearby and quite a bit dimmer. If the Moon was visible I’d tell him what sign it was in. We downloaded some sky map thing and would find Venus and Mars and Mercury underneath us in the stands or off to the side chilling over other continents. Keenan knows a ton of shit about space, so he’d fill me in on how the Moon was made and I’d tell stories I half-believe about UFO sightings I’ve had. He’s brilliant and fun.
I’m so lucky.
I savor every stolen moment and I’m a guiltless thief.
Somehow everything is folding and unfolding into a beautiful patchwork life.
I don’t know exactly how I got here and it’s not always entirely comfortable but I keep on keeping on, armed with faith that things will only get better and better, which they seem to be. And even in the moments when it seems like things might not be seeming to be getting better and better, I’m able to hunker down and call on Larry and God and my crew of invisibles and who knows or cares if it’s their doing or my imagination or that I’ve cried so many tears there aren’t any left, somehow I end up being pretty damn contented with how things are.
And when I’m in that place I notice even the smallest of magical things.
Which is a blessing.