I Don’t Care

A couple of years ago I worked at a restaurant as a server a few times a month. It was a second job and my coworkers were all approximately two and a half decades younger than me.

One day we had a gentleman who came in and was decidedly unsatisfied with everything about his experience (specifically I’m talking about his dining experience but I wonder about the rest of it as well). He was so rude that he made the girl serving him cry. I don’t like stuff like that.

See, I have a lot of mothering bubbling under the surface with no convenient outlet, so if you happen to be two and a half decades younger than me, my maternal instincts will leak all over you. None of the unwitting recipients of my Mama Bear have complained thus far because I don’t sMother.

Which is kind of the way I had hoped to parent my own kids.

Where was I? Oh…I offered to take over the table for her. Through tears she said, “Are you sure? He’s really mean.” To which I replied, “Girl, you have NO IDEA the things I have been called. And I lost my kids. Seriously, try to hurt my feelings.” She laughed.

I make people laugh about hard things. I don’t know if it’s exactly a gift, but it feels like it.

Humor is holy.

Here’s the thing. I cared about the guy’s steak. But he wasn’t upset about his steak. People aren’t mean to people because steaks aren’t cooked to their specifications. I didn’t know exactly what the guy was mad about, but I knew enough to know that even if he called me a dumb cunt, it wasn’t about me.

I’m telling you, if you really want to get some shadow work accomplished, get yourself some enemies. Someone with an agenda intended to expose you. I’ve been called things that would suck all of the moisture out of a dog terd. For real.

The guy was a dick, but I didn’t care, which deflated him a little. I cared about his service but I didn’t care about his anger or nastiness. He wasn’t any more satisfied with his steak when we made him a brand new one, but his display of ugliness deescalated a bit.

This is sort of a magic trick I’ve learned.

Recently, all up close and personal, I was criticized for not standing up for myself because ‘You have to fight fire with fire!”

Guess what? I didn’t care. About being criticized, I mean. And I didn’t ‘not care’ in an asshole way. I just kind of shrugged. “Eh, maybe.”

I’m sure after the exchange they pitied me an idiot.

But it did get me thinking. What AM I doing?

I try not to let my mind THINK real hard about stuff because then I end up caring about it too much and believe it or not, that makes me feel less compassionate. Weird, right?

But you can also mitigate fire by depriving it of oxygen. And that feels more resonant to me. I don’t fight fire with fire. I simply deprive it of oxygen.


Everything Is a Lot

I love popcorn. It’s literally my favorite. Like, desert island and stranded? Popcorn please. One of the most frustrating things about popcorn, in my experience anyway, is that whenever I try to grab a big old fistful, much of it ends up escaping my clutches by the time my hand reaches my mouth and I’m left with a (totally reasonable) few popped kernels. It’s like, the more I try to grab, the more I drop. And then I’m frustrating my enjoyment. Which is sorta silly and counterproductive.

There’s a lot of things right now.

I think I’m tired. But I’m also restless. But mostly I’m tired.

If you’re here because you’re into astrology, for your edification, my natal Mars is at 13 degrees of Taurus and so it is both in a conjunction with transiting Uranus and squaring transiting Saturn.

It’s like a FREEDOM, Karma, hard work, independence, action, exhaustion party. Woot!

I finally remembered this astrological event in my chart the other day which is amusing because when I started deep diving into astrology a few years ago it was to figure out why exactly my life was so shitty. These days I barely remember to look at my own chart. Ups and downs toss themselves around me and I’m fairly steady no matter where shit’s blowing.

But some stuff has come up recently and I yelled, “What in the actual fuck are you guys doing to me right now?” That’s how I talk to the planets. They’re my anthropomorphized teammates, and life is better. Sure, we fight sometimes, but in the end we have a purpose to fulfill. Like Hell’s Kitchen. Or something.

The second I dusted off my chart (metaphorically because it lives free of actual dust in the computer) I saw what I was in the middle of and it all made sense.

Sometimes the best way to describe what’s going on with me now is to describe something that has happened in the past.

I stumbled across my manifestation journal from a few years ago and read an entry where I was manifesting the perfect dude.

“Wears a cowboy hat, loves country music, supports my crazy spiritual shit, makes me laugh, is really hot, laughs during sex (not at me but with me)…”

The funny thing is Zeke and I had broken up when I wrote that list and I lived in another state and he was seeing someone else.

I actually don’t even really KNOW how we got back together. Or when. It wasn’t something we necessarily planned. I do believe that Covid is primarily responsible.

Once the pandemic hit I looked around and thought, “Wait. Nobody is looking. Like, nobody. What should I do?” Trusty old Larry piped up, “So what do you really want to do? While no one is watching? Hurry! Don’t think! Just do it!”

So I started driving back and forth between two states and getting back together with the guy I’d manifested in my journal.

I happen to think it’s really sweet that without even realizing it I’d described Zeke in my manifestation list of the perfect guy.

Also, it was so far outside the realm of possibility to me that we’d end up back together that it didn’t occur to me to get in the way of it by grubbying it up with my hands all over the process. Ha! This amuses me A LOT.

I sense things are lining up like that again and best I can do is move as I’m called and rest while I have time.

There are a lot of moving parts and I can barely keep up which I feel is the point. The Universe is moving quickly and I actually think I’m not supposed to ‘try’ to do anything at the moment, which I suck at frankly. ‘Trying’ is deeply ingrained. And I’m pretty sure the invisible assholes around me know this and are doing their best to keep me disoriented. Though they’d probably call it ‘in receptive mode’. Which is fair.

So I’ll be over here doing my best to mindfully ingest popcorn while watching my life lay out before me, one reasonable handful at a time. Because I don’t want to miss anything by trying to grab too much at once.

Weekly Woo-Woo

Aries Rising (and/or Sun) – The New Moon on Tuesday occurs in the area of your chart that rules finances and makes a supportive  aspect to Neptune.  You’d do well with some solo time to ruminate and explore what might move you in the direction of financial gains, so seize any opportunity for a break.  Of particular interest might be art and writing endeavors.  Throughout the week you might feel emotionally drawn to those close to you (neighbors, relatives). By the end of the week and into the weekend cozying up on the couch with family, blood or soul, will be most rejuvenating.

Taurus Rising (and/or Sun) – You may be all about yourself emotionally as the week starts out and Tuesday’s New Moon in your sign is a great day to set intentions that will bring you closer to your hopes and dreams.  The week begins with some potential moodiness, nothing an impulse purchase can’t assuage as the week progresses, just don’t overdo it.  By this weekend a cookout or outing with family would do you some good, so make plans!

Gemini Rising (and/or Sun) – Generally a bit of a socialite, this New Moon encourages you to go within and align yourself with what truly inspires you.  With Jupiter entering the area of your chart ruling your career, the next two months may see some beneficial changes to your reputation and status.  It’s all about you this week Gemini!  Towards the end of the week into the weekend, finances are on your mind.  Whether you’re feeling like making money this weekend, or spending it on a purchase, money matters so be mindful.

Cancer Rising (and/or Sun) – This week pay close attention to who you surround yourself with and send a note to the New Moon that you’d appreciate spending your time with those who will advance you in ways that line up with your beliefs.  While the week begins with the potential to make lasting impressions and connections, by the weekend you’re connecting emotionally with yourself.  Take some time to refill your own cup. A mini makeover might be in order with the Moon joining Mars in your sign this weekend.

Leo Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is asking you to dispel any myth that you owe yourself to others, energetically at least.  With Jupiter moving into the area of your chart ruling debts, there is a possibility that you might find some former obligatory relationship or emotionally consuming problem resolved.  This week your reputation and the people you surround yourself with stir you emotionally, and by the weekend you’re ready for some down time to process everything you felt, so take some alone time to connect with you.

Virgo Rising (and/or Sun) – If you’ve been interested in a new subject or philosophy, this New Moon is a great time to make good on that promise you made to yourself and buy or read the book you’re interested in.  Exploring far off places, literally or figuratively, is the order of the New Moon and with Jupiter moving into the area of your chart that rules significant partnerships, just the person to share that exploration with might show up!  This weekend, accept that invitation to the party or gathering, as the Moon will serve to bring emotional connection and fulfilment from those around you.

Libra Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon cycle is a great time for you to set about the task of clearing debts, financial, energetic, and otherwise.  Neptune tends to throw shade and may have been creating some fog in your day to day life. Now is the time to clear out what doesn’t serve you in order to make room for things that are meaningful.  It’s a rather task oriented week for you and by Friday, if you’ve trimmed the fat from your routine, this weekend is a great time to charge up and feel good about the person you show to the world!  

Scorpio Rising (and/or Sun) – For the following few weeks you’re exploring significant partnerships, particularly love relationships, but also business associates.  This New Moon encourages you the pair up with those who bring out the best in you creatively.  Who brings you joy?  Who is proud of you?  Who lights you up? These sorts of folks might be showing up for you, if they aren’t in your midst already.  By the weekend you might be looking to study something new or take a trip, so find someone you love and share the fun.

Sagittarius Rising (and/or Sun) – What does your daily schedule look like?  The New Moon this month encourages you to fill your time with the things that truly matter to you and make you feel at home, whether we’re talking about your actual home or the home in your soul.  It’s time to disconnect from old habits and start new ones. This week connect with significant others in your life and by the weekend, avoid being emotionally manipulated into activities you simply because you feel obligated. You might be feeling a bit pensive and mopey this weekend, so be sure to have ice cream on hand. Or a journal.

Capricorn Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is a great time for you to set an intention to foster that creative and buoyant part of you.  There may be new thoughts and ideas you want to share and express in the next couple of months and there will always be hard work, so cut loose a bit!  In fact, yukking it up with those close to you might get the mind’s wheels spinning! Make time for a partner or significant other this weekend, but plant the seeds earlier in the week when you’ve got a spark or sudden inspiration!

Aquarius Rising (and/or Sun) – Home is on your mind, and in your heart, this New Moon and you might be connecting socially with others and exploring how at ‘home’ you feel with them as the week begins.  Jupiter is entering the area of your chart the rules finances so be sure to pencil in some down time this weekend to reflect on financial habits and possessions and how they influence sense of home.  Schedule some time this weekend to take care of things that will lighten the load during the week and get ahead of the game.

Pisces Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is a great time to renew relationships with family and friends you may forget to acknowledge, and also to fill up those roles with new folks if they’re in need of refreshing.  You might be thinking new things and expressing yourself in different ways these days and that will be fostered by aligning yourself with new people.  By this weekend, the Moon might have you in the mood to howl and have a great time, whether creatively or out on the town, so satisfy that urge!

Zeke and Zube

Frankly, I’m not real romantic. I remember when I was a teenager my Dad gave me life advice and he said, “I know how to balance my checkbook and my Mom taught me to sew a button. Always know how to take care of yourself.”

I’m fiercely independent. To a fault.

Zeke and I got into a tiff a couple of months ago, unfortunately right before I was leaving for Texas to see the kids. I spent eight hours driving and imagining how I’d be like that older lady in the movie Twister with long flowy gray hair and weird yard ornaments. I counted the accumulation of cats and potted plants I would mother and wondered if we would be able to share custody of Alfredo in a far more simpatico fashion than my ex and I share our children. I almost cursed myself for asking the Universe to help Zeke, a rather neutral animal dude, fall in love with my cat when I worried about bringing him to Colorado, but then, well, I thought better of it…

Zeke and Gato
(Toe for short)

Somewhere around Lubbock he called to check on me and insisted I get a hotel room and not drive straight through because he’d worry. I told him I would. And then I drove straight through anyway. (He got sorta mad about that, actually, but it wasn’t a measurable tiff.)

I read a meme once that fierce independence is a trauma response and I had never, ever considered that. I nearly fell off my unicorn in resonance.

Sometimes I create fairy tales where I’m all alone in the world and no one loves me enough and those stories serve to undermine me time and again, but I’m actively working on that.

I realize now those thoughts all stem from me and my own journey through finding love for myself.

This weekend is Operation Distract Zube. It’s also going to be Mother’s Day.

There’s this thing I struggle with where I have a hard time sharing my situation with the kids and having that simply be received. It’s not that I want to sob it all over everyone, but I’m aware that it’s not healthy to bottle it all up and keep it to myself either.

And sometimes people outright ask questions with sensical answers that include some facts in my life that I’m not altogether happy about. Can’t that be receivable?

Honestly, that’s probably why I find it easier to write about it.

I’m not an unhappy person. I find joy. It’s damn near my life’s mission to marinate in joy whenever possible these days. I think that’s a tremendously helpful coping strategy.

Vodka was not so much.

Decades ago, I knew without the hint of any discussion when my parents were muddling through court during their own divorce. I remember it broke me inside when I sensed it wasn’t going swimmingly. I was twenty five years old at the time but I was a little kid when it came to my parents and I hated the thought of them fighting and seeing them stressed.

I think often about the story of King Solomon and the two mothers who argued over a single baby. The King suggested slicing the baby in half and the true mother cried out, “No! Let her keep him!”

I don’t know, man. It just is what it is. This is a difficult thing for folks to wrap their heads around.

I’m not indecisive or scared or less loving or anything like that.

My decision not to do anything is a decision. And not doing anything is what I’m doing.

I have a keen sense of what various roads would entail and this seems the most loving and least disruptive and least hateful.

My head is entirely wrapped around all of my situation, and then some. It’s a damn situation burrito in my brain.

That’s not necessarily where I was headed when I started writing this, but it does lead me back to Zeke and I don’t know that I’ve ever been understood more by anyone.

I fucking love this man. We’ve been solidly aligned with one another for nine years now, even through break-ups and long distance and rehab and other relationships. I tell people sometimes I love him like a brother which sounds totally gross but I don’t mean it to, I simply can’t think of another way to describe the depth of my concern and care for him, and it mirrors his for me.

I will cry this weekend. There’s no doubt about that. But Zeke’s taking me away to Crestone, Colorado and we’ll also ride bikes and I’m going to learn to kayak. I’m wondering if he took a CPR class without me knowing and wants to practice his mouth-to-mouth technique or something because kayaking actually sounds mortifying, but I’m a lot more daring than I used to be.

And he’s a saint, to me anyway.

Happy Mother’s Day to the mothers out there. Even, actually, especially to those mothers who for one reason or another wonder if you deserve to commemorate this day at all.

From the bottom of my heart and soul, you do sister.


Zube XO

Cora Jane and Keenan, you are the reasons I’ve learned to be courageous and the reasons I’m a mother, however unique that experience is for us.

The Fool

My Card for the Day…

So I’m from Jersey…

“What exit?”

“Ew, the armpit of the country?”

“I hate Jersey!” (Oh yeah, where’ve you been?) “I had a layover at Newark Airport.”

“How can you be from Jersey? You’re nice!” (Ahem, you haven’t seen me watching hockey…)

Don’t even get me started on that effing reality show. They weren’t even from Jersey.

I’ve defended my home state to exhaustion! Growing up, I worked at a farmer’s market and partied in abandoned barns. My Poppop grew the best tomatoes ever tasted in his backyard garden and you’ve never actually had a real tomato until you’ve had a Jersey tomato.

Jersey gets a bad rap.

You know what else gets a bad rap? Being foolish.

There’s something to be said for naivete. The Fool card in the tarot is numbered zero. This is because at any point in our lifelong journey we have the ability to venture out into something new, all full of hope and faith and stupidity.

It’s actually kind of beautiful.

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m in my forties now or that I talk to invisible beings or that I (people hate when I say this, but it’s true to the extent that it’s true) lost my kids and everything I thought mattered in the world when I decided I wanted to get well.

I’ve shown my ass so many times it seems almost a waste of metaphorical cloth to put metaphorical pants on my mistake maker.

I remember almost four years ago sitting in the mental hospital and promising myself that I’d live even though I didn’t want to but that if I was going to live I was going to do what I wanted to do and I didn’t care who liked it or not because trying to be perfect and understood and beyond reproach and normal had landed me without shoelaces and my underwire bra in the dayroom.

It’s like that song that says freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

I know lots of people dread the little game our minds like to play called, ‘But, What If?’ Once upon a time I hated that game, too. And my mind was a gold medal winning Olympian at the sport of scaring the shit out of myself with endless horrific possibilities.

In the past few years, though, my soul seems to derive some thrill from it.

“What of it doesn’t work out? What if we’re broke and homeless? What if people get mad? What if everyone thinks you’re stupid?”

For an instant my ego clutches her pearls.

And then my soul my soul enters stage left with a glimmer in her eye and a mischievous grin.

That’s when I smile and think, “Holy crap! Can you imagine? What on Earth would I do?”

The list of terrible things that have already happened is rather extensive for just one meat suit, and I’ve survived them all.

So, what if?

There’s this weird thing that goes something like, if you and the Universe have secrets and you don’t tell anyone what you’re up to, nobody really pays much attention, and unbelievable miracles happen.

But you have to step out in faith and it’s a lot more fun without fear.

I still defend Jersey, I probably always will. But I know for a fact in some circles I have a bad rap, too, and I don’t spend near as much time defending myself anymore.

Some day I hope it’ll be down to zero time. Fool time.