Everything Is a Lot

I love popcorn. It’s literally my favorite. Like, desert island and stranded? Popcorn please. One of the most frustrating things about popcorn, in my experience anyway, is that whenever I try to grab a big old fistful, much of it ends up escaping my clutches by the time my hand reaches my mouth and I’m left with a (totally reasonable) few popped kernels. It’s like, the more I try to grab, the more I drop. And then I’m frustrating my enjoyment. Which is sorta silly and counterproductive.

There’s a lot of things right now.

I think I’m tired. But I’m also restless. But mostly I’m tired.

If you’re here because you’re into astrology, for your edification, my natal Mars is at 13 degrees of Taurus and so it is both in a conjunction with transiting Uranus and squaring transiting Saturn.

It’s like a FREEDOM, Karma, hard work, independence, action, exhaustion party. Woot!

I finally remembered this astrological event in my chart the other day which is amusing because when I started deep diving into astrology a few years ago it was to figure out why exactly my life was so shitty. These days I barely remember to look at my own chart. Ups and downs toss themselves around me and I’m fairly steady no matter where shit’s blowing.

But some stuff has come up recently and I yelled, “What in the actual fuck are you guys doing to me right now?” That’s how I talk to the planets. They’re my anthropomorphized teammates, and life is better. Sure, we fight sometimes, but in the end we have a purpose to fulfill. Like Hell’s Kitchen. Or something.

The second I dusted off my chart (metaphorically because it lives free of actual dust in the computer) I saw what I was in the middle of and it all made sense.

Sometimes the best way to describe what’s going on with me now is to describe something that has happened in the past.

I stumbled across my manifestation journal from a few years ago and read an entry where I was manifesting the perfect dude.

“Wears a cowboy hat, loves country music, supports my crazy spiritual shit, makes me laugh, is really hot, laughs during sex (not at me but with me)…”

The funny thing is Zeke and I had broken up when I wrote that list and I lived in another state and he was seeing someone else.

I actually don’t even really KNOW how we got back together. Or when. It wasn’t something we necessarily planned. I do believe that Covid is primarily responsible.

Once the pandemic hit I looked around and thought, “Wait. Nobody is looking. Like, nobody. What should I do?” Trusty old Larry piped up, “So what do you really want to do? While no one is watching? Hurry! Don’t think! Just do it!”

So I started driving back and forth between two states and getting back together with the guy I’d manifested in my journal.

I happen to think it’s really sweet that without even realizing it I’d described Zeke in my manifestation list of the perfect guy.

Also, it was so far outside the realm of possibility to me that we’d end up back together that it didn’t occur to me to get in the way of it by grubbying it up with my hands all over the process. Ha! This amuses me A LOT.

I sense things are lining up like that again and best I can do is move as I’m called and rest while I have time.

There are a lot of moving parts and I can barely keep up which I feel is the point. The Universe is moving quickly and I actually think I’m not supposed to ‘try’ to do anything at the moment, which I suck at frankly. ‘Trying’ is deeply ingrained. And I’m pretty sure the invisible assholes around me know this and are doing their best to keep me disoriented. Though they’d probably call it ‘in receptive mode’. Which is fair.

So I’ll be over here doing my best to mindfully ingest popcorn while watching my life lay out before me, one reasonable handful at a time. Because I don’t want to miss anything by trying to grab too much at once.

Weekly Woo-Woo

Aries Rising (and/or Sun) – The New Moon on Tuesday occurs in the area of your chart that rules finances and makes a supportive  aspect to Neptune.  You’d do well with some solo time to ruminate and explore what might move you in the direction of financial gains, so seize any opportunity for a break.  Of particular interest might be art and writing endeavors.  Throughout the week you might feel emotionally drawn to those close to you (neighbors, relatives). By the end of the week and into the weekend cozying up on the couch with family, blood or soul, will be most rejuvenating.

Taurus Rising (and/or Sun) – You may be all about yourself emotionally as the week starts out and Tuesday’s New Moon in your sign is a great day to set intentions that will bring you closer to your hopes and dreams.  The week begins with some potential moodiness, nothing an impulse purchase can’t assuage as the week progresses, just don’t overdo it.  By this weekend a cookout or outing with family would do you some good, so make plans!

Gemini Rising (and/or Sun) – Generally a bit of a socialite, this New Moon encourages you to go within and align yourself with what truly inspires you.  With Jupiter entering the area of your chart ruling your career, the next two months may see some beneficial changes to your reputation and status.  It’s all about you this week Gemini!  Towards the end of the week into the weekend, finances are on your mind.  Whether you’re feeling like making money this weekend, or spending it on a purchase, money matters so be mindful.

Cancer Rising (and/or Sun) – This week pay close attention to who you surround yourself with and send a note to the New Moon that you’d appreciate spending your time with those who will advance you in ways that line up with your beliefs.  While the week begins with the potential to make lasting impressions and connections, by the weekend you’re connecting emotionally with yourself.  Take some time to refill your own cup. A mini makeover might be in order with the Moon joining Mars in your sign this weekend.

Leo Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is asking you to dispel any myth that you owe yourself to others, energetically at least.  With Jupiter moving into the area of your chart ruling debts, there is a possibility that you might find some former obligatory relationship or emotionally consuming problem resolved.  This week your reputation and the people you surround yourself with stir you emotionally, and by the weekend you’re ready for some down time to process everything you felt, so take some alone time to connect with you.

Virgo Rising (and/or Sun) – If you’ve been interested in a new subject or philosophy, this New Moon is a great time to make good on that promise you made to yourself and buy or read the book you’re interested in.  Exploring far off places, literally or figuratively, is the order of the New Moon and with Jupiter moving into the area of your chart that rules significant partnerships, just the person to share that exploration with might show up!  This weekend, accept that invitation to the party or gathering, as the Moon will serve to bring emotional connection and fulfilment from those around you.

Libra Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon cycle is a great time for you to set about the task of clearing debts, financial, energetic, and otherwise.  Neptune tends to throw shade and may have been creating some fog in your day to day life. Now is the time to clear out what doesn’t serve you in order to make room for things that are meaningful.  It’s a rather task oriented week for you and by Friday, if you’ve trimmed the fat from your routine, this weekend is a great time to charge up and feel good about the person you show to the world!  

Scorpio Rising (and/or Sun) – For the following few weeks you’re exploring significant partnerships, particularly love relationships, but also business associates.  This New Moon encourages you the pair up with those who bring out the best in you creatively.  Who brings you joy?  Who is proud of you?  Who lights you up? These sorts of folks might be showing up for you, if they aren’t in your midst already.  By the weekend you might be looking to study something new or take a trip, so find someone you love and share the fun.

Sagittarius Rising (and/or Sun) – What does your daily schedule look like?  The New Moon this month encourages you to fill your time with the things that truly matter to you and make you feel at home, whether we’re talking about your actual home or the home in your soul.  It’s time to disconnect from old habits and start new ones. This week connect with significant others in your life and by the weekend, avoid being emotionally manipulated into activities you simply because you feel obligated. You might be feeling a bit pensive and mopey this weekend, so be sure to have ice cream on hand. Or a journal.

Capricorn Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is a great time for you to set an intention to foster that creative and buoyant part of you.  There may be new thoughts and ideas you want to share and express in the next couple of months and there will always be hard work, so cut loose a bit!  In fact, yukking it up with those close to you might get the mind’s wheels spinning! Make time for a partner or significant other this weekend, but plant the seeds earlier in the week when you’ve got a spark or sudden inspiration!

Aquarius Rising (and/or Sun) – Home is on your mind, and in your heart, this New Moon and you might be connecting socially with others and exploring how at ‘home’ you feel with them as the week begins.  Jupiter is entering the area of your chart the rules finances so be sure to pencil in some down time this weekend to reflect on financial habits and possessions and how they influence sense of home.  Schedule some time this weekend to take care of things that will lighten the load during the week and get ahead of the game.

Pisces Rising (and/or Sun) – This New Moon is a great time to renew relationships with family and friends you may forget to acknowledge, and also to fill up those roles with new folks if they’re in need of refreshing.  You might be thinking new things and expressing yourself in different ways these days and that will be fostered by aligning yourself with new people.  By this weekend, the Moon might have you in the mood to howl and have a great time, whether creatively or out on the town, so satisfy that urge!

Zeke and Zube

Frankly, I’m not real romantic. I remember when I was a teenager my Dad gave me life advice and he said, “I know how to balance my checkbook and my Mom taught me to sew a button. Always know how to take care of yourself.”

I’m fiercely independent. To a fault.

Zeke and I got into a tiff a couple of months ago, unfortunately right before I was leaving for Texas to see the kids. I spent eight hours driving and imagining how I’d be like that older lady in the movie Twister with long flowy gray hair and weird yard ornaments. I counted the accumulation of cats and potted plants I would mother and wondered if we would be able to share custody of Alfredo in a far more simpatico fashion than my ex and I share our children. I almost cursed myself for asking the Universe to help Zeke, a rather neutral animal dude, fall in love with my cat when I worried about bringing him to Colorado, but then, well, I thought better of it…

Zeke and Gato
(Toe for short)

Somewhere around Lubbock he called to check on me and insisted I get a hotel room and not drive straight through because he’d worry. I told him I would. And then I drove straight through anyway. (He got sorta mad about that, actually, but it wasn’t a measurable tiff.)

I read a meme once that fierce independence is a trauma response and I had never, ever considered that. I nearly fell off my unicorn in resonance.

Sometimes I create fairy tales where I’m all alone in the world and no one loves me enough and those stories serve to undermine me time and again, but I’m actively working on that.

I realize now those thoughts all stem from me and my own journey through finding love for myself.

This weekend is Operation Distract Zube. It’s also going to be Mother’s Day.

There’s this thing I struggle with where I have a hard time sharing my situation with the kids and having that simply be received. It’s not that I want to sob it all over everyone, but I’m aware that it’s not healthy to bottle it all up and keep it to myself either.

And sometimes people outright ask questions with sensical answers that include some facts in my life that I’m not altogether happy about. Can’t that be receivable?

Honestly, that’s probably why I find it easier to write about it.

I’m not an unhappy person. I find joy. It’s damn near my life’s mission to marinate in joy whenever possible these days. I think that’s a tremendously helpful coping strategy.

Vodka was not so much.

Decades ago, I knew without the hint of any discussion when my parents were muddling through court during their own divorce. I remember it broke me inside when I sensed it wasn’t going swimmingly. I was twenty five years old at the time but I was a little kid when it came to my parents and I hated the thought of them fighting and seeing them stressed.

I think often about the story of King Solomon and the two mothers who argued over a single baby. The King suggested slicing the baby in half and the true mother cried out, “No! Let her keep him!”

I don’t know, man. It just is what it is. This is a difficult thing for folks to wrap their heads around.

I’m not indecisive or scared or less loving or anything like that.

My decision not to do anything is a decision. And not doing anything is what I’m doing.

I have a keen sense of what various roads would entail and this seems the most loving and least disruptive and least hateful.

My head is entirely wrapped around all of my situation, and then some. It’s a damn situation burrito in my brain.

That’s not necessarily where I was headed when I started writing this, but it does lead me back to Zeke and I don’t know that I’ve ever been understood more by anyone.

I fucking love this man. We’ve been solidly aligned with one another for nine years now, even through break-ups and long distance and rehab and other relationships. I tell people sometimes I love him like a brother which sounds totally gross but I don’t mean it to, I simply can’t think of another way to describe the depth of my concern and care for him, and it mirrors his for me.

I will cry this weekend. There’s no doubt about that. But Zeke’s taking me away to Crestone, Colorado and we’ll also ride bikes and I’m going to learn to kayak. I’m wondering if he took a CPR class without me knowing and wants to practice his mouth-to-mouth technique or something because kayaking actually sounds mortifying, but I’m a lot more daring than I used to be.

And he’s a saint, to me anyway.

Happy Mother’s Day to the mothers out there. Even, actually, especially to those mothers who for one reason or another wonder if you deserve to commemorate this day at all.

From the bottom of my heart and soul, you do sister.


Zube XO

Cora Jane and Keenan, you are the reasons I’ve learned to be courageous and the reasons I’m a mother, however unique that experience is for us.

The Fool

My Card for the Day…

So I’m from Jersey…

“What exit?”

“Ew, the armpit of the country?”

“I hate Jersey!” (Oh yeah, where’ve you been?) “I had a layover at Newark Airport.”

“How can you be from Jersey? You’re nice!” (Ahem, you haven’t seen me watching hockey…)

Don’t even get me started on that effing reality show. They weren’t even from Jersey.

I’ve defended my home state to exhaustion! Growing up, I worked at a farmer’s market and partied in abandoned barns. My Poppop grew the best tomatoes ever tasted in his backyard garden and you’ve never actually had a real tomato until you’ve had a Jersey tomato.

Jersey gets a bad rap.

You know what else gets a bad rap? Being foolish.

There’s something to be said for naivete. The Fool card in the tarot is numbered zero. This is because at any point in our lifelong journey we have the ability to venture out into something new, all full of hope and faith and stupidity.

It’s actually kind of beautiful.

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m in my forties now or that I talk to invisible beings or that I (people hate when I say this, but it’s true to the extent that it’s true) lost my kids and everything I thought mattered in the world when I decided I wanted to get well.

I’ve shown my ass so many times it seems almost a waste of metaphorical cloth to put metaphorical pants on my mistake maker.

I remember almost four years ago sitting in the mental hospital and promising myself that I’d live even though I didn’t want to but that if I was going to live I was going to do what I wanted to do and I didn’t care who liked it or not because trying to be perfect and understood and beyond reproach and normal had landed me without shoelaces and my underwire bra in the dayroom.

It’s like that song that says freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

I know lots of people dread the little game our minds like to play called, ‘But, What If?’ Once upon a time I hated that game, too. And my mind was a gold medal winning Olympian at the sport of scaring the shit out of myself with endless horrific possibilities.

In the past few years, though, my soul seems to derive some thrill from it.

“What of it doesn’t work out? What if we’re broke and homeless? What if people get mad? What if everyone thinks you’re stupid?”

For an instant my ego clutches her pearls.

And then my soul my soul enters stage left with a glimmer in her eye and a mischievous grin.

That’s when I smile and think, “Holy crap! Can you imagine? What on Earth would I do?”

The list of terrible things that have already happened is rather extensive for just one meat suit, and I’ve survived them all.

So, what if?

There’s this weird thing that goes something like, if you and the Universe have secrets and you don’t tell anyone what you’re up to, nobody really pays much attention, and unbelievable miracles happen.

But you have to step out in faith and it’s a lot more fun without fear.

I still defend Jersey, I probably always will. But I know for a fact in some circles I have a bad rap, too, and I don’t spend near as much time defending myself anymore.

Some day I hope it’ll be down to zero time. Fool time.

Weekly Woo-Woo

Little known fact, before you proceed! Did you know that your horoscope will likely be more accurate if you read your Rising sign? I personally read both my Sun sign and my Rising sign, giving a bit more weight to my Rising sign horoscope. This does require that you know your birth time and what your rising sign is which many folks don’t. This is why horoscopes are primarily used based on Sun sign. It’s more marketable, but less accurate. Sun sign horoscope is fine if you don’t know your rising, but I thought that worthy of sharing. Carry on!

Aries – This week starts out fast paced with your mental faculties at high speed, Gemini, which is a good thing because there may be some tension among friends or associates.  You want what you want and you’ll have the mouth to explain it, though be on the lookout for emotional manipulation, and not just by others.  Stick to your values with integrity.  By midweek, harmonizing conversations in the workplace or public sphere provide opportunities to smooth things over.  As Friday rolls around, it’s all about you!  Take a short trip to visit family or a walk through the neighborhood and get the latest tea from the nosey neighbor lady.  You’ll find your social life quite active and satisfying over this next month.

Taurus – So, Monday morning you wake up, jump out of the bed, and scream, “Show me the money!”  Kidding.  Sort of.  But you’ve got money and ideas about money front and center for the next few weeks.  Today, though, work may throw a big glass of water on your fire to cool you down which might suck.  Hang in there.  On Wednesday you stand to learn something that bolsters you and shifts your beliefs in who you are.  Heading into the weekend, you may be a bit more angsty than usual, so be sure to carve out some down time for yourself.  The rest of the month may prove to bring some financial goodies your way. Give it some time.

Gemini – You’ve been growing in the dark recently, it might seem, Gemini.  It’s you vs. the world. Although today a stark revelation you’ve had recently is due to clash with some long-standing beliefs.  But that had of yours is not just a hat rack and you’re thinking capacity is at full throttle, specifically about who you are on this floating rock, which stands to aid this process.  As the week proceeds, provocative insights or conversations free you up in some way; relieve you of a debt, whether financial or emotional.  Starting Friday you may aggravate or instigate friends and comrades, so be mindful.  In the upcoming month you may be fancying a makeover.  Do it! You’re changing on the inside, so celebrate it on the outside.

Cancer – Over the next coming weeks you may be crawling deeper into that crab shell of yours than usual, Cancer.  Things that are hard to explain are floating in the outer recesses of your mind.  Early in the week there is a potential upset between a new group of folks you’re aligned with and an emotional obligation to someone else significant in your life.  Stay true to you.  Midweek an aspiration achieved, however big or small, brings transformative breakthroughs to relationships closer to home, specifically partnerships.  If you take work home with you this weekend, you’ll likely be moody.  Actually, you’ll likely be moody regardless.  Grab a blanket, get comfy, and journal.  For the next month, actually.  Down time is on the menu.  And bon-bons. Stock up.

Leo – You’re thinking outside the box in your career and this may be creating discord in your personal relationships, specifically with significant others.  Over the course of the month of May, all eyes are on you, Leo, and your conversation skills prove to make you the life of the party.  Midweek be on the lookout for a little grace at work that has the potential to create some balance between work and your daily routine.  By the end of the week, you’re lit up and thinking about the future.  Aspirations are high.  In the coming weeks you may find you’re aligning yourself with people who inspire you and bring you closer to achieving some goals.  

Virgo – Today may find you pondering your place in the world.  At the forefront, though, you’ve got new beliefs knocking on your door and yet it might seem like you have little room in your daily schedule to let them in.  You might be feeling emotionally attached to the same old, same old, but don’t be overly critical of change.  There is some exciting stuff on your mind and by the end of the week you may have wrapped your heart around what your head is already snuggling.  A romantic fancy or creative project midweek taps you on the shoulder and encourages you to open your eyes a bit wider.  This weekend you obligations haunt a bit, whether financial and emotional. Write them on little pieces of paper and burn them. Or maybe just let something go. Unless it’s a bill. Use discernment.

Libra – You’ve been secretly brewing something, and today just might take some of the fun out of it.  A secret could be revealed. You might do well cleaning out the closet some metaphorically, and even literally if that tickles your fancy.  Romance could be sidelined while something deeper stirs within you.  Today and for the next few weeks you’re looking into the future and pondering where you’re going and what baggage you’ll be leaving behind.  You Libras will have all of the necessities, but it’s time to worry about what’s been stowed away in the unzipped parts weighing you down. Be on the lookout for news or information that sparks your curiosity and inspires you to learn.  Around Wednesday a valve opens up relieving pressure at home and by the weekend you are focused on significant others, romantic or otherwise.  This month will take you places, whether by plane or in your heart.

Scorpio – This morning might find you worrying about who you owe your time to and some strife between significant others and keeping the peace at home could prove heavy.  You’re innovative in your relationships these days, however, and though it may take dedication to create change at home, it’s time to step out of your comfort zone.  Coming up this month you’ll be thinking a lot about the value others bring to your life and what you bring to theirs and it would do you well to create some balance in that regard.  The disruptions early this week might ruffle the feathers of your weekend plans, but do not be deterred to the deeper sense of excitement you feel stirring deep down.

Sagittarius – You’re inspired this Monday to stir things up a bit, whether it’s a new fitness routine or a shake up in the schedule, you’re glitching the matrix and putting what you value at front and center.  However, you might feel stifled by your environment and this shift could move like molasses. Communication with significant others will come with ease over the next few weeks so if you’re clear and honest in the face of resistance, it may garner you a solid ally.  Particularly toward the end of the week and through the rest of this month.  Midweek you find a sweet spot, perhaps with a purchase that makes change a bit smoother.  Heading into the weekend you’re feeling fun and inspired so spark up a candle for a romantic dinner or grab an easel.  

Capricorn – Something artistic or innovative wants to take form for you, Capricorn, but your purse strings may not be forthcoming with the means to create it.  You may be feeling emotionally attached to your finances and uncertain if this new thing is really important to you or just a flight of fancy.  It’s not a flight of fancy.  You’ve got your busy schedule on your mind and as the week progresses, you may be more inclined to make some space for something fun.  Particularly around Wednesday when you open up to a deep insight and are open to the idea that you deserve some frivolity in your life.  Heading into the weekend there may be some chaos on the home front as your emotions could be volatile.  Sti down and make some lists, it’ll make you feel better and be productive.

Aquarius – Maybe you want a new sofa, Aquarius.  Or a bigger TV.  Or a smaller TV.  Maybe you want to get rid of your TV and get a fireplace.  Do you even know who you are any more?  Recent months may have you denying yourself of some pleasures, but why not rearrange the straw in your nest? Get rid of some old bits and spice it up with some freshies.  There are creative ways to bring a little tenderness to your immediate surroundings that nurture your soul and you deserve that.  As the week progresses, your mind is open to new looks and styles, so yes, put that alien poster in a frame and slap it above your bed.  Everyone will love it. This weekend, yuck it up with neighbors, you’ll have a little fire in you.  For better or worse.

Pisces – There is a wild call for you to venture out, Pisces, however compelling the urge to brood may be at the moment.  This next month you will be finding new ways to create a sense of peace at home and fortunately your mind will be rife with ideas.  Perhaps a spring clean is in order and the sense of accomplishment will lull you out of the depths of the ocean you’re currently lurking.  Around the middle of the week a family member or neighbor might just encourage you to join the masses, or simply go to meeting of the book club, and that might lighten things up a bit for you.  Heading into the weekend, however, you may feel defensive of your alone time, which, if you’ve heeded the call to socialize this week, you’ve likely earned. Daydream away.